Occasionally I have these moments in a yoga class that rip me open, in a good way. I've noticed over the course of the last week or so that things are changing, some tangible, some not so much. I feel like I'm moving through my life in a way that I never have. Everything feels so... embodied - like I just couldn't be any more in it. I'm not sure when the shift came, but I feel it all over. I have visions of stepping into my life in a way that doesn't require that I power through anything, that doesn't even require that I try to make things happen. All i have to do is trust that I will be able to stand in my own power and accept the things that are coming to me in this life, the gifts, the responsibilities, the challenges, the love, the work, the people, myself. I can stand in this world, open and capable. I had a vision in savasana this morning, of myself in reverse warrior, open to and accepting of both that which I will encounter in this life from external sources and from myself. The image of this pose has stayed with me because it is so strong and yet so exposed. It is such an amazing space to occupy because you are both assertive and vulnerable at the same time. We maintain our boundaries and stand firmly within them, but are open to that which will flow through and around us.
I realized as I lay there at rest, that all that I will have to do to succeed will be to trust myself. To trust, not to try. 'Do or do not, there is no try,' a wise man once said, trying is just effort without certainty. Trust is understanding of and confidence in your own experience, trusting lets the action come to you, knowing that you can handle what is on its way as you stand strong, ready, waiting to take it on.
After the flash that I will, indeed, be able to trust myself, that I will succeed, came the falling away of that which has protected me from the world for all these years, the defense of my effort, the defense of my artifice and I grieved the loss of that protection. I couldn't help the tears, and while they made me slightly self conscious, I knew that my first act of trust would be to simply show my face, and I opened my eyes to face the room of amazing folks with whom I'd just shared my practice and I smiled. Moments like these make my heart happy.