What a week. What an end of a week. What a day. What a class. I didn't think I'd love speed flow to Thriller, but, you know what? I do. I SO DO.
My breathing is almost involuntary, my thoughts are on the out, my body is catching up. As things start to solidify for me on the mat I find myself wondering when I'm going to get there in real life. Tonight was good sweaty, nasty, really fun yoga - my form was crap, but my breath was on time and my heart wide open.
I look at where I am now compared to where I was this time last year. I was in school, things were structured but rote at that point, it was clean, but wearing on me. I'd made some good decisions and some poor ones and I was definitely flying by the seat of my pants. Now, things are deliberate, not always perfect, but always on purpose. Every day, every action is a step bringing me closer to my goals. Every class is a step closer to who I want to be. Every patient is a dollar closer to the independence I've been working towards. So my form is lacking, it's messy but I am getting there.
As I sink in there is a part of me that wants to stay in my old self. Like a shudder as you fall asleep, it tries to keep me in the drama, keep me out of the flow, and I have to fight the urge to just do what is comfortable and familiar. I have to fight to stay focused and aware.
I am fighting. Every day. And as I get closer I'll start to straighten up, tighten up and lock it up. I'll have it together when the day comes.
This is who I am today: messy and sweaty. Today was a good day.