I’ve loved a lot in my life. I’ve been hurt, too. I’ve hoped and hoped. I’ve been sorely disappointed. I’ve been completely euphoric. I’ve been so very down. And the wheel keeps turning and every time it rolls over, I feel it telling me again and again that there are times to press out into the world, and there are times to draw the world close to me.
And whether I’m pressing out or drawing in, there is only so much that I can hold.
So I’m on a bit of an energy diet right now - and the things that aren’t serving my goals and my wants and my love and my excitement, they get left out.
How did I get here? I went on a shit date.
Ultimately the thing that sucked was that I made time for someone that I didn’t care about one way or the other, time that I’d rather have spent preparing for a call with an exciting job prospect the next morning. But I told myself I should have new experiences and meet new people… I came home late, slept like garbage, and while that may have kept me from coming off as over-eager on the job front, it made me very, very angry.
But here’s the thing about anger -
Anger is your boundaries begging for an adjustment.
open heart, big fucking fence
I wasn’t really mad at dude (ambivalent, really) - I was mad at myself for not listening to the voice that told me to stay home. That told me to enjoy the preparation. To enjoy an early night and a lot of sleep. To wake up pumped for the opportunity. When I look at my priorities right now - they’re all about work. I want my DREAM JOB and I really don’t care about adding anything else to my life until I get it.
And so, in the face of (or perhaps as a result of) unwanted advances and sleep deprivation, I’ve refocused on what I do want, and I’ve made a conscious choice to draw my boundaries in THISCLOSE. Sleep. Eat. Exercise. Meditate. Work. Write. See my close friends who I already know and love (and honestly don’t see enough as it is). Call my fam. That’s it. And that feels really, really good. It’s a small world, but it’s mine by choice.
A no-judgment side note on dating: I have never been a fan of dating apps - I’ve experimented with them here and there but something about them has always felt kind of gross to me - maybe I’ve been in marketing for too long, or maybe I just feel like you have to earn access to me on this very personal level, and the things I would like to tell my future love, they aren’t things that you get to know about me by casually swiping through profiles like you’re playing a game of Angry Birds. Also, I am a hopeless (hopeful?) romantic by nature, and I know you’re going to find me in a way that makes such perfect sense, I couldn’t have possibly seen it coming, but it couldn’t have happened any other way. Soapbox: over.
I know that we all go through periods of expansion and times of contraction in our lives - but when you’re trying to expand in a specific direction, everything else needs to tighten up so that you can concentrate your energy on pushing toward your goal. I think of my life right now like a balloon (the air is my energy in this metaphor). As my social and personal boundaries close in, they press on the air until it has no escape other than the designated opening. I’m drawing everything in to focus my expansion in one direction.
I say no. I bail on plans to stay home to sleep or read or write or make food or watch netflix. I sacrifice late nights for early mornings. And whatever happens with the job, I know I’m developing my tenacity, intentional movement and manifestation. I’m going after a goal with singular focus and actively creating what I want my life to be. I’ve got a big, open heart for the things that I love and care about, that contribute to my mental, emotional, spiritual and physical health, and I’m leaving everything else outside the fence.