No idea how to start this post. I guess I'm still struggling with non-attachment. To things, people, routine, income... post topics. I have no problem ditching my stuff or a town or a job, but ask me to come up with a new way to support myself, emotionally, physically, financially and I am at a loss.
Interestingly, the one constant in my life could be my practice, but I seem to have forgotten that over the course of the last few (very stressful) months. I've been a little off balance as a result of all the change, and I've let the things that sustain me, the things that keep me loose, go. I've abandoned my practice in a period of the greatest stress I've known in the last few years. It makes no sense.
Fortunately, nothing stays the same for long. My absence from yoga has come to an end just as my mala came to end. (Just as I hope the cellulite I acquired on my hiatus will meet a swift end). As I sat (and sweated. SWEATED) on my mat this afternoon, I struggled through some standing poses and arm balances, keenly aware of how much strength I've lost since April. I was a bit frustrated, a bit too attached to my performance in this practice. Thankfully, as we moved to the mats (everything changes!), I found that my flexibility hadn't suffered in the least. Looking back at this past month, I see myself trying to power through the transitions, trying to force things to be how I want them to be right away, not really giving myself a chance to adjust to the rhythms of my new life. Looking back, I see that my greatest strength, for lack of a better word, is my flexibility. My ability to roll with what comes and adjust my plans accordingly. If I learn to be strong in one thing, what do I do when that thing changes? Better to be flexible and have a loose plan that leaves room for the inevitable Goddess of change who so often graces us with her presence.
Things change, they come and go, life goes on. Recently, I've been trying to power through the twists and turns of my life and I've realized that strength is not my... strength, for lack of a better word. This has always been true on the mat, I can't hold myself up to save my own arse, but I can twist myself around backwards all day long. I need to remember this when confronted with the vast changes going on right now - I can't jsut force things to be how I want them to be. I can, however, roll with the changes and loosen up. Take care of myswelf so that I'm better prepared for anyhting that may come my way.